Globusz^® Publishing 

They did not make it past the first few stairs which served as a make shift bed. They grunted and grunted and continued grunting till their satisfied groans brought a barking response from a neighbour’s dog out in the street. They were both still fully clothed as they got to their feet. Nancy gently steered Norman on his way out of the front door, with a tender kiss in his ear she whispered, “ See you at work in the morning Norman, take care of this little secret and we can have more.”

Norman chuckled on his short walk home, this sex business is great in London he thought, you get to keep your clothes on and leave straight after. He remembered all the fuss he had now left behind in the Midlands and shook his head, “And I didn’t even have to tell her I love her,” he mused. “Perhaps my real parents were Londoners!”

Katie had her eyes fixed on Nancy’s bedroom that evening from 10 o’clock, the time she new the Hercules closed. Sitting at her dressing table she was relieved to hear Norman use his key for the first time just gone 10.30. Good lad, she thought, Katie also had undressed Norman with her eyes and even fantasised various scenarios, as they were not really related they tended to follow the young lodger theme, rather than the other option. She did not greet Norman; he had a few friendly words with Ernest before going up to his room. He lit up a cigarette, sat on the end of his bed and thought about Nancy; it was to remain a secret but what next and how would she react to him at the brewery and then there’s Ernest and Katie His mind was working overtime; producing thoughts it seemed to stop him from sleeping. It was sex that got him here and it might be sex that would get him to somewhere else, the sea! Yes it was all fait; sex was sending him to sea. But surely sex is what people go to work at sea for; it is a vicious circle life he concluded. Then he fell asleep, confused but happy and sexually satisfied.

Katie took Norman in coffee first thing Monday morning, she had noted his preference. He was to go into the brewery with her. Ernest had a 6am. Start. Katie and Norman would go in for 8.45. They moved around the kitchen well together, sharing the chores and enjoying each other’s company. After a light almost healthy breakfast they set off to work. On entering the brewery Katie handed over her Nephew to the foreman Lenny. A huge red faced man in his mid-forties with thinning ginger hair, better known as Lottery Lenny on account of the fact he spent small fortunes trying to win a big one. As a single man he could afford to gamble, but was a much-ridiculed figure for various reasons including his rejected advances to Nancy. Norman fitted in well with the summer group of students; with his unkempt mop of jet-black hair he looked the part.

“Listen up,” Lenny addressed the group, “my name is Mr. Pratt, get your laughter over now. Welcome to McNaughton’s Brewery formerly Whitney’s Fine Ales. We still brew here, however our main function is as a main distribution centre for your imported foreign lagers. Real ale! Well we brew Old Demented, Cats’ Piss and Mermaids Juice. Work! Right, let me explain, we brewery workers are as lazy as they come and proud of it. We barely find the time to work each day with the many distractions life throws our way, let alone maintain any standard of hygiene. So in the school holidays,” he said in a mocking tone, “we get in local students like your good selves. We pay you as little as the law allows and sit back and drink beer, while you clean the place up, in preparation for our yearly visit from the Environmental Health Inspector, by which time of course you lot have gone back to school. Any silly questions? No, good, right follow me.”

Lenny soon had them hard at work. Norman’s worst fears now confirmed, he eyed up the brewery walls as if a prisoner, now just turned nineteen-years of age he felt he might be under-achieving. The well educated, college drop out had yet to find his career niche, not that he had ever looked. He never blamed his orphan status for anything and had no hang-ups, he was just a drifter.

Katie tracked him down as he cleaned away, to encourage him she mentioned that Nancy sent her best wishes. Norman did feel a warm glow inside from their attention as he worked along side the other temporary workers, striking up friendships throughout the day. When given the go-ahead he made his own way home. Katie was there before him. She had put a stew on to cook. “It will be ready from 7,” she shouted from upstairs, “Just help yourself, with some bread and butter. Ernest is playing darts at the Prince of Wales; he will be back by 10 and will finish it off.”

Norman liked this feeling of being a part of Ernest and Katie’s world and felt at home, even if it was to be just a short stay. Katie soon had changed and gone to bingo with the ladies from the office, including, ‘Nancy,’ she had dropped into her words of farewell.

The telephone rang; Norman hesitated before he nervously picked up the handset. 

“Is Katie there,” said a female voice. Norman explained nervously that she had gone to the bingo. “I know,” said Nancy, “how are you after your first day in Alcatraz? Aches and pains I should imagine, take a nice hot bath darling and have an early night. I will need you at your best later in the week, take care.”

Norman took this advice, followed by a generous helping of Katie’s stew washed down with the never-ending stock of McNaughton’s Ale. Better buy a crate of these he thought, on my way home tomorrow I guess; I must sort out paying some keep money too. He decided to bring the matter up with Ernest, man to man he thought. Ernest just referred him to Katie. Katie just said she would think about it.

The following day as Norman strolled back from the brewery he collected the beers and cigarettes, flowers and chocolates, only to arrive home to an empty house. A note only greeted him, it read, Ernest playing cribbage tonight at the Hercules, back by 10.30. I am out with the girls; stew on, ready by 7.30. What a social life these two have thought Norman. He took himself off to the bathroom, after a long soak he dared back downstairs wearing his dressing gown. The phone rang, he grabbed the handset straightaway, “Norman,” said Nancy.

Norman stayed silent.

“Very funny,” she snapped, “You, my place, now,” before she hung-up. Norman laughed. Once he had dressed for the job he strode off on the short walk to meet the merry widow. Her door was just open, he slowly pushed it back, inside was total darkness. Light showed from under a door at the top of the stairs. Once on the first floor he gently turned the door handle; the light went out, a click had come from the far end of the room. He saw just the outline of a woman in white, sitting on a bed, as she drew on her cigarette the glow illuminated her smile. Nancy completed her seduction with a spread of her legs, drawing them up to her chest as she released the tie on the top of her nightgown. Norman knew what to do to reward her for this generous offer. Once again he remained fully dressed as they wrestled on her king-size bed; he pushed away her curvaceous body as she wrapped herself around his waist forcing a ferocious pace of intercourse. It was soon over, she asked him to show himself out, blew him one last kiss, waved and gestured that this be another little secret. He closed the front door gently.

The street was not brightly lit; the house was situated away from the streetlights. Nancy has got it really sussed thought Norman as he sloped off back home. The stew was a touch soup like now, but extra tasty, he was in need of this meal and was fast asleep in his room by the time Ernest and Katie had returned. They were concerned if he was feeling at home or, ‘Perhaps he was lonely,’ worried Katie. “Look Ernest she said in an emotional tone, he has been to the shop, lovely flowers and chocolates, McNaughton’s Light Ales and fags. We did do the right thing taking him in, lovely boy.”

As the rest of the week came and went, Norman fell into the routine. Ernest and Katie went out every night separately. Friday and Saturday were their nights out together. Sunday they both stayed in. Norman fell in with this, as the son Ernest and Katie never managed. Nancy was to provide his sex life. Katie even made the odd comment with regards to finding Norman a young lady. “You just wait till the Xmas-Eve disco at the Prince of Wales,” had shouted Ernest in an excited state one night “loads of crumpet.”

Norman had seen Nancy every day at the brewery; she had given him smiles that sent him week at the knees. Even if it was just sexual she had got him, right where she wanted him, on tap.

Saturday night at the Prince of Wales marked an anniversary, one week since Norman, Katie and Ernest had their lives joined through fait.

Sunday night was a more private affair. At the Hercules pub just Norman and Nancy raised their glasses. They were good together, laughed a lot and enjoyed their little secrets. 

“Looks like this will be our last Sunday here for our sexual aperitif,” blurted out Nancy.

“In English please,” pleaded Norman.

“The poster, over there, have you not read it,” she said.

Norman studied the very large poster.

“Comedy F.U. every night starts next Sunday here. Pay As You Enter only, Free Exit. Wanted dead or alive COMEDIANS & COMEDIENNES apply to the MISMANAGEMENT. We are not an equal opportunities employer (so if you’re not funny you can fuck off).

Ernest is not going to be too happy about this,” he concluded.

“Still leaves him the Prince to drink in,” answered Nancy. “Look, Paddy has got real problems here, his wife being so ill, trade not what is was. One of the comedy agents offered him a deal; it is still his pub on paper. They sort everything out with the comedy in return for the door money.” At that point Paddy joined the two clutching a drink each for them and his own.

“Need a word with you big fella, little birdie tells me you’re only a temp at the brewery. Got a proposition for you. Need a body here, told the jokers I’d supply the doorman. Needs to be a face people round here know. You’re O.K. working at the brewery and being family with Ernest and Katie. Well respected they are round here and trusted. You could be my ears and eyes.”

“Every night though,” replied Norman, “it says on that poster.”

“Bollocks,” said Paddy, “that’s just for show, will only be weekends at first anyway. See how it works out. You might be desperate for the hours when they kick you out the brewery end of the summer. What you say? ” Nancy looked over at Norman nodding her head; he guessed she was the little birdie.

“So I not only get to tell Ernest one of his locals is as good as closing, to the likes of him,” answered Norman, “but I even get to kick him while he is down, with the good news, by the way Uncle Ernest guess what, I got the job as doorman, at the Hercules.”

“No no!” screamed Paddy. “The Two Buttocks, it is going to be called the Two Buttocks.”

“What, I have to even tell him that an all?” asked Norman now in a state of amazement.

“It was part of the deal with the jokers,” pleaded Paddy, “but it could have been worse, at first they wanted to call it The Haemorrhoids.”

“Oh that’s alright then said Norman,” now in sarcastic tone.

“Great, that is a right fucking load off my mind,” concluded Paddy. “A toast, the Two Buttocks. Nancy will sort out your wages; she is going to run the books for me.” Paddy shook both his new employees’ hands, but could not resist a peck on Nancy’s cheek. He then returned behind the bar, rang the bell and shouted, “Last orders at the bar please.” With only Norman and Nancy still in the pub, it was his way of dropping a hint that it was their round. Norman got the drinks in, Paddy said he could only accept a large scotch, they all laughed. The eager lovers knocked back their large Southern Comforts. Again they shook hands with Paddy before leaving.

Nancy had nominated where she wanted sex this night. She led Norman into her open plan lounge area; she lit a candle then pulled him down on top of herself and a large beanbag. Just as a week earlier almost to the minute, Norman zipped up his trousers as they kissed goodnight just inside the darkened hallway. They were again both satisfied.

On reaching home Norman opted for an early night, just shouting out, “Good night all,” as he made his way to the sanctuary of his room. As he lay in his bed, he practised how he would break his career news to Ernest and Katie, the sheer scale of the task put him to sleep.

Monday morning he was late getting up, he now starts work later than Ernest but earlier than Katie, so only just caught sight of her as he rushed down a coffee, “Hot enough to kill lesser men” he screamed. Noticing Katie has started to wear less now when it’s just the two of them in the house causes Norman some concern. What she does wear reminds him of a documentary he once saw on women that sit behind windows in Amsterdam, offering sex. He thinks to himself, oh no, do I not have enough problems without this? He bolts out through the door, gazes at his watch, only to see he is not now going to be late. “That pigging old clock in the bedroom, has given me a throat like Joe Cocker”, he mumbled to himself. He slowed his pace, he could now take time to think, and wander if he could be heading for another family upset, he felt uneasy. ‘Maybe I should have given Auntie Katie a good shagging this morning,’ he thought, ‘I did have the time after all, it would keep her sweet. Fucking women, he considered, why not.’ He concluded, ‘if she’s asking for it tomorrow she gets it.’ He chuckled away, feeling ashamed of his thoughts, as he waved to Nancy whilst passing by her office window.

That night with Ernest at the pub and Katie just off to the bingo, Nancy phoned. Norman was pleased to hear her strong sexy voice. “I am worried about what Ernest will feel, about the Hercules and me and you even,” he wined.

“Dearest Norman you have been hired as a doorman, you just leave the management of this situation to Nancy, got it,” she assured him. “Look, apart from our little secret, everything is sweet. Ernest and Katie will be fine. They hardly use the Hercules these days anyway and they will not go near the place if Paddy is not around, so relax.”

“You got it,” said Norman in an American accent.

“You have not said anything yet, have you?” asked Nancy.

“Wish I knew how,” replied Norman.

“Fine then,” she said, “I will mention to Katie tomorrow about Paddy, handing over the

Pub to the jokers, you know his wife, the cancer and all that. How poor old Paddy needs some people he can trust to keep an eye on the place. I will tell her I am going to keep the books for him and ask her if she and Ernest would ask you to help poor old Paddy, by doing the door job.”

“You sort it, I will do it,” concluded Norman. “Call me tomorrow.”

Norman tucked into some of Katie’s stew, took over the parlour table, poured a McNaughton’s Ale and gazed at the tele. He was happy at home now for the first time in his life.

After the phone call Nancy made her way to the Hercules, she knocked on the lounge bar entrance. Paddy let her in then bolted the door. He had given opening a miss on Mondays since trade fell away. A large oval table was covered in paperwork. The two sat down, it was an emotional meeting as there was history between them. “ I am a bit concerned, your relationship with the big fella, could give us problems with this lot, ” said Paddy, pointing at the piles of scruffy paper work, covered in old scotch stains and fresh cigarette ash.

“I don’t have relationships,” pointed out Nancy. “You of all people should know that. So down to the business in hand.” They agreed she would be in charge of the pub side. Norman would answer to her, the bar staff would answer to him when she was not around. The place would only open evenings from 7 and only if the jokers had done all the publicity. Paddy had made the flat upstairs self-contained and even soundproof when his wife first got ill. So Nancy was to let it out.

“No fucking students or unemployeds,” shouted Paddy. “And if you get nurses from round the corner, no fucking parties up there every night.”

“Of course not,” mocked Nancy, “we couldn’t have people laughing and drinking over a comedy pub could we.”

“Doctors, young doctors would be best they earn more money than nurses,” replied Paddy now on a roll. “They reckon to work so fucking hard; they shouldn’t have the energy to enjoy themselves.” Nancy said she would put a notice up at the local hospital.

Paddy and his wife would not be far away; she had never given up her small council flat.

They had never married, “Too busy at first in the pub, then too quiet to afford it, then she became too ill, and that’s over twenty years,” reflected Paddy. “Second time round it was for both of us, come to think of it, not sure if she ever got a divorce. Good job I didn’t marry her perhaps.” Nancy dropped her head into her hands, she worried, managing this dinosaur’s business is going to be hard work she thought, still I owe him this and business is business.

Paddy concluded with his winding up plans, he would break the news to Ernest and the lads on cribbage night Tuesday. He had agreed with Charles at the Prince of Wales they could play out the season there. This Friday would be the farewell party night at the Hercules. Paddy would hand over the Pub on Saturday. He and Maureen had not lived there since she became confined to her bed and they had moved back into her small flat. Nancy would interview bar staff over the weekend, she would meet 10a.m. Sunday with the jokers, to lay down all the ground rules for their working together. That evening would be the first Comedy night at the Two Buttocks. With business concluded Paddy was eager to get back to Maureen.

It was still early enough for Nancy to join the Ladies at the local Bingo. She did mention to Katie that a meeting with Paddy had delayed her and she would tell all at work the next day.

Tuesday, first thing, Norman knew he was not late, having bought himself a massive wall clock that dominated his room and made him very conscious of time. Being unable to bin the old dressing table clock, he would use it as a bookend, not that he had any books. At work this day he got a few waves from Nancy as he walked passed her office. He also got waves from Katie, seeing the two of them in the office together he felt embarrassed. One down, one to go he thought to himself.

That evening after Katie had gone off to the bingo, Norman phoned Nancy. “Did you get an adults permission to use the phone, “she enquired, laughing.

“I don’t know any,” snapped Norman.

“See you soon, I expect,” concluded Nancy as she hung-up.

Norman ambled round for his Tuesday night Sex, but first he wanted an up-date on the Hercules saga. Nancy obliged but not in that order.

“My pleasure before business,” she demanded.

She went on to explain that Ernest and Katie would now ask him to help out Paddy anyway, so all would work out just fine. They agreed to meet up at Paddy’s Friday night farewell party.

‘GOOD BYE I’LL MISS YOU’ read the homemade banner crooked above the bar.

“Shouldn’t be wasting money on an expensive sign like that,” shouted Nancy over at Paddy as he drank himself into a coma. “Could be your first job here Norman, to carry him out to a taxi later,” she added.

Nancy was right, both Ernest and Katie had asked Norman to look after the door for Paddy and he did have to carry him out to his taxi.

Norman was on overtime Saturday morning helping Paddy move out the last of his possessions. Nancy was there sorting out keys for everything, she found stocktaking with Paddy hard work. He wore sunglasses because of his hangover and kept falling over things.

At last by early evening all was sorted at the pub. Nancy now the key holder locked the main door. She and Norman were both tired; they agreed on fish and chips to be purchased and then eaten at her house.

As they sat down, Nancy served chilled white wine, lots of it. They enjoyed their first meal together. Nancy demanded some, “Serious sex” on the other beanbag; then sent Norman off home. They would meet later that evening at the Prince of Wales.

Norman was enjoying his new life-style and it was now acceptable for him to spend time with Nancy as they worked together. Katie commented that perhaps he would meet a nice young lady at the comedy nights and Ernest blamed, “The bloody Council,” for the closure of the Hercules.

That evening was busier at the Pub than was normal. With the Hercules no longer a locals’ pub, its few customers had moved on to the Prince of Wales. Charles the landlord loved it, wishing Nancy and Norman good luck, as they didn’t threaten his newfound trade. At the end of the evening, they went their separate ways. She reminding him first that he was expected the following mid-day at the Two Buttocks.

Sunday came, Norman knocked on the massive front door of the Hercules. It was mid-day and painters were desperate to cover up old signs. A new swinging sign had been hung up. Norman winced at the sight, yes it was TWO BUTTOCKS, and he was still shaking his head as Nancy opened the door. “Keys,” she snapped, “yours, you’re on time, in future be early.” She pulled him in through the door and kissed him, like he had never been kissed before. “Is this exciting Norman, or what!” she exclaimed. Come and meet the jokers. She led him through to the lounge bar, at the large table sat the Spin Doctor and Nigel. Nancy introduced the three. Both the jokers came from the North of England; Doc as he liked to be called warmed to Norman with his Midlands’ accent.

Nancy had taken care of all the paperwork long before Norman had arrived; he noticed Nigel the slightly taller of the two with multi coloured hair was a very nervous guy. He had sat with his thin legs almost double crossed and adjusted his heavy black framed glasses none stop at the table; this put Norman on edge with him.

“Right then, Doc and Nigel have lots to do, in oh! such little time and I have bar persons to sign up and train,” announced Nancy. “So! Norman the doorman, as there will be loads of strangers in and out, please give it code red on the security front.”