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I write now with a little more liking, though less opportunity, because Mr. Williams has got a large parcel of my papers, safe in his hands, to send them to you, as he has opportunity; so I am not quite uselessly employed: and I am delivered besides, from the fear of their being found, if I should be searched, or discovered. I have been permitted to take an airing, five or six miles, with Mrs. Jewkes: But, though I know not the reason, she watches me more closely than ever; so that we have discontinued, by consent, for these three days, the sunflower correspondence.
The poor cook-maid has had a bad mischance; for she has been hurt much by a bull in the pasture, by the side of the garden, not far from the back- door. Now this pasture I am to cross, which is about half a mile, and then is a common, and near that a private horse-road, where I hope to find an opportunity for escaping, as soon as Mr. Williams can get me a horse, and has made all ready for me: for he has got me the key, which he put under the mould, just by the door, as he found an opportunity to hint to me.
He just now has signified, that the gentleman is dead, whose living he has had hope of; and he came pretendedly to tell Mrs. Jewkes of it; and so could speak this to her before me. She wished him joy. See what the world is! One man's death is another man's joy. Thus we thrust out one another!--My hard case makes me serious. He found means to slide a letter into my hands, and is gone away: He looked at me with such respect and solemness at parting, that Mrs. Jewkes said, Why, madam, I believe our young parson is half in love with you.--Ah! Mrs. Jewkes, said I, he knows better. Said she, (I believe to sound me,) Why, I can't see you can either of you do better; and I have lately been so touched for you, seeing how heavily you apprehend dishonour from my master, that I think it is pity you should not have Mr. Williams.
I knew this must be a fetch of hers; because, instead of being troubled for me, as she pretended, she watched me closer, and him too: and so I said, There is not the man living that I desire to marry. If I can but keep myself honest, it is all my desire: And to be a comfort and assistance to my poor parents, if it should be my happy lot to be so, is the very top of my ambition. Well, but, said she, I have been thinking very seriously, that Mr. Williams would make you a good husband; and as he will owe all his fortune to my master, he will be very glad, to be sure, to be obliged to him for a wife of his choosing: especially, said she, such a pretty one, and one so ingenious, and genteelly educated.
This gave me a doubt, whether she knew of my master's intimation of that sort formerly; and I asked her, if she had reason to surmise that that was in view? No, she said; it was only her own thought; but it was very likely that my master had either that in view, or something better for me. But, if I approved of it, she would propose such a thing to her master directly; and gave a detestable hint, that I might take resolutions upon it, of bringing such an affair to effect. I told her I abhorred her vile insinuation; and as to Mr. Williams, I thought him a civil good sort of man; but, as on one side, he was above me; so, on the other, I said of all things I did not love a parson. So, finding she could make nothing of me, she quitted the subject. I will open his letter by and by, and give you the contents of it; for she is up and down so much, that I am afraid of her surprising me.
Well, I see Providence has not abandoned me: I shall be under no necessity to make advances to Mr. Williams, if I was (as I am sure I am not) disposed to it. This is his letter:
'I know not how to express myself, lest I should appear to you to have a
selfish view in the service I would do you. But I really know but one
effectual and honourable way to disengage yourself from the dangerous
situation you are in. It is that of marriage with some person that you
could make happy in your approbation. As for my own part, it would be,
as things stand, my apparent ruin; and, worse still, I should involve you
in misery too. But, yet, so great is my veneration for you, and so
entire my reliance on Providence, upon so just an occasion, that I should
think myself but too happy, if I might be accepted. I would, in this
case, forego all my expectations, and be your conductor to some safe
distance. But why do I say, in this case? That I will do, whether you
think fit to reward me so eminently or not: And I will, the moment I hear
of Mr. B----'s setting out, (and I think now I have settled a very good
method of intelligence of all his motions,) get a horse ready, and myself
to conduct you. I refer myself wholly to your goodness and direction;
and am, with the highest respect,
'Your most faithful humble servant.'
'Don't think this a sudden resolution. I always admired your hear-say character; and the moment I saw you, wished to serve so much excellence.'
What shall I say, my dear father and mother, to this unexpected declaration? I want, now, more than ever, your blessing and direction. But, after all, I have no mind to marry; I had rather live with you. But yet, I would marry a man who begs from door to door, and has no home nor being, rather than endanger my honesty. Yet I cannot, methinks, hear of being a wife.--After a thousand different thoughts, I wrote as follows:
'REVEREND SIR,
'I am greatly confused at the contents of your last. You are much too
generous, and I can't bear you should risk all your future prospects for
so unworthy a creature. I cannot think of your offer without equal
concern and gratitude: for nothing, but to avoid my utter ruin, can make
me think of a change of condition; and so, sir, you ought not to accept
of such an involuntary compliance, as mine would be, were I, upon the
last necessity, to yield to your very generous proposal. I will rely
wholly upon your goodness to me, in assisting my escape; but shall not,
on your account principally, think of the honour you propose for me at
present; and never, but at the pleasure of my parents; who, poor as they
are, in such a weighty point, are as much entitled to my obedience and
duty, as if they were ever so rich. I beg you, therefore, sir, not to
think of any thing from me, but everlasting gratitude, which shall always
bind me to be
'Your most obliged servant.'
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